I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
