Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
