Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Randomize
