Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize