i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
