Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
