i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
