I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
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I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
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We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
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