never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Holy sore nipples Batman
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
