I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
