You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
