im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
