guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
