My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
why is half of my head shaved?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
