he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
