I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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