I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
