Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
