You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
