Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
