I will die if light touches me.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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