I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
