I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
