TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
