ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
