I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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