How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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