it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Too much gin, very little bucket
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
