: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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