how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
