Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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