I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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