i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
When are your genitals available?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
