Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
