i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
