Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I accidentally had phone sex last night
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
