Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
