Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
