i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
