so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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