I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize