if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
