I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
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I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
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If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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