We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
dude. I can hear the air.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
