I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
3 2 1 whiskey
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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