when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
