Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
