fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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