Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
