he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
MIDGETS
????
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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