it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I want a musical about memes.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass