Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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